The Questions
There are certain questions no one wants the real answers to. They are conversational questions we do out of politeness to please ourselves and please others.
“Hey, how are you?”
“Fine thanks, you?”
“Yeah not bad.”
We do them every day and I quite like them because it’s acknowledgement and some days we don’t want to tell someone we feel rubbish because we have loads to do and no time to do it. Or that our cat started limping this morning and we don’t know why, so we just have to see how it goes. Sometimes you don’t have time to listen because you are actually massively busy but didn’t want to appear rude so asked the question. And this is all fine there is no right or wrong. On a side note, If you do have anything cat related please do tell me because I love the little fur balls. But that’s why I like to write the blog. Because anyone who is actually interested in the answer to the question might give it a read now and again. Because every single person has more going on than a “fine thanks” or a “not bad” just you remember that.
“Whats new with you?”
Just a little update:
- I cut down my hours at work (not working great so far as I have been ill on my working days because the illness doesn’t realise I am trying to hold down a job!)
- I was reassessed for Long Term Illness CBT and start that shortly.
- I have another Diagnosis of Fibromyalgia. (So that’s CFS, FND, Fibromyalgia and Anxiety.)
If you just wanted a factual update you can stop reading at this point. But if you want to know how I really am then you could continue…
My Quest to Improve my Mood and Wellbeing
Diet– The BodyCoach 90 Day Plan did not work for me. I read a blog about someone with CFS doing it and they did fantastic so it doesn’t mean it won’t always work it just didn’t work for me. The reason was you consumed lots of calories and I mean lots (not always filling foods either, I was literally hangry all the time). I’m not big on nutrition so I may be wrong but it was like something to do with good fats and refuelling your body for the workouts. But then that’s where the problem was, sometimes I was too ill to work out and then the food was not helping me to lose weight because the diet has to be a mix of the food and exercise (a certain amount a week) to have any fat loss. So yeah I binged a lot of rubbish over the last few weeks but just gone back to my old faithful Slimming World recipes and routines so let’s hope something sticks.
Counselling- I have finished the sessions and it has improved my mood for the most part which is great. It is still a work in progress though and the most difficult of days seem to be when I am incredibly ill as it’s not always easy to accept it is the way it is. Similarly, it’s not easy to not worry about the future at the moment as everything is filled with so much uncertainty and that is one of the things I become most anxious about. I am definitely a million miles from where I was when I started it and would really recommend other people who suffer from anxiety to go to counselling even if it’s just to find out why you think the way you do. I find it fascinating! When the anxiety kicks in now, I battle it, sometimes it wins, sometimes I win. But it’s more than I did before. I just have to keep up with it because if I let it slip and stop battling it then it becomes one huge monster again.
I have to reflect on the above two questions daily to work on it. And when it’s spending time reflecting on your anxiety or watch an episode of This is Us or whatever gripping series you like to watch. The latter usually wins. But there is only me who can change this so yeah I’m not out of the woods but it’s a work in progress as they say.
Elephants
Also, let’s talk about elephants…in the room. No one has actually said anything to me about said elephants but I have heard and seen other people talking about it and I have even possibly said something similar myself in the past when I wasn’t in the position I am now.
So, me or people with an illness the same as or similar to mine, going out, going places, holidaying etc. Should we be doing this? Well, our condition fluctuates, this means some days we feel well enough to do something some days we don’t. I can wake up and think I feel fine and by the time I have walked downstairs I have realised I am anything but fine.
I once was feeling okay (when I say feeling okay I never go a day without any symptoms now but some days they are more manageable than others) but then I sat and read The Press Newspaper that came through the door. And I swear to god it knocked the bloody socks off me. I felt so ill, the concentration flared up a whole load of symptoms so I was bed bound for the next few hours. Just from reading a Newspaper. But then some weeks I could read a Newspaper every day and not be affected at all.
Tell you what, if I lay in bed for more than a few hours I feel like a mouldy old orange. So when I am having a good day I am going to bloody well enjoy it. Because if I go mad and have drinks, I might end up bed bound. If I read a paper at home, I might end up bed bound. If I do nothing at all, I still, might end up bed bound. Because when I get really ill I rack my brains and think what have I done to have a relapse and I try to justify it somewhat to other people “it might have been because I did this last week and it’s a knock on effect” or do you know what, it might not be as well. Because I might have done the very same things three weeks before that and not relapsed at all. By relapsing I mean when my symptoms are so severe I am unable to manage them and end up house or bed bound.
And resting in all honesty I am not sure how much this really helps.
I know that when symptoms are so bad I have to rest because I can’t physically sit up or hold a conversation or I just need to sleep. Just like when you are generally ill and take yourself to bed. But one time I might get up from resting and feel a whole load better but then another time I might get up and just feel exactly the same or worse. There are studies to prove that resting helps and studies to prove that resting doesn’t make one bit of difference. We all need to rest sometimes when we feel rubbish but as far as saying that if I rest more I will feel better…well I’m not too sure on that one anymore.
To summarise, I am Still Living in Limbo Land, still trying to figure it all out but with a more positive outlook… most of the time.
Thanks for reading Chaps 🙂
*Mounts the pink elephant in the room and rides away into the sunset…then has to rest for 3 days because it was too much activity all at once.*
Living in Limbo Land 